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Harry Potter and the Dick in Dumbledore » by KuroKaminari
Harry has had sex with every male in Hogwarts... Well, almost every male.

The wound you have imparted won't heal quickly. Pun intended.

Meh, worst one I've seen recently.

You Never Came Back by MasterBralia
The title speaks for itself.

'Nuff said. (I underlined the spelling error in the title for quick reference.)

Stop frightening me!!!!!!!!!!

Something along the line of: Caution! Proceed with care. Bad things lurking in the Shadows of the Summary Land.

Given the few examples already posted, they're much better (worse?) than the few I was thinking of posting. Which means this thread is not for the weak of heart.

Nikki Potter by MissPotter96
Girl!Harry. I'm not very good at summarys.

Then I kept reading down the page and they have SexChange!Harry....

Hermione's vamped world by padfoot1mione

What if Hermione was a born Vampire.he lived with Dracula,V,Angel,& Viktor.Her best friends are the Cullens.Shes a Death Dealer.Crossovers.You don't have to read the first chapter its just things about Hermione you favorite color and things like that

Chapters: 3 Words: 2,118

You don't have to read the first chapter?

Oh my ...

...and possibly a screen.

Out of 25 of the most recently updated fics for HP on FF, I found these festering sores:

Harry: Imprinted » by vodoo-voldemort reviews
Twilight Crossover: Jacob Black imprints on a green eyed, black haired boy whilst at the laundromat. Stalking ensues. SLASH HarryJacob. DH compliant, No Epilogue.
Fiction Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 3 - Words: 5,516 - Reviews: 30 - Updated: 1-16-09 - Published: 1-11-09

11 Things » by 2booklover4 reviews
Before her life ends, Hermione Granger wanted to do eleven things… Dramione! Please review :D
Fiction Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 3 - Words: 15,768 - Reviews: 17 - Updated: 1-16-09 - Published: 1-7-09

Live and Learn » by TwoStepsBehind
Rewrite of Fools Like me. She's been running away from things all her life. So what will Alex do when she runs into someone who won't let her go?
Fiction Rated: T - English - General/Romance - Chapters: 2 - Words: 8,782 - Reviews: 0 - Updated: 1-16-09 - Published: 1-16-09

A Death in the Family » by lunefin
Nine deaths that never happened to the Weasleys. Pathos and now bathos. It's Ron this chapter. What'd you expect?
Fiction Rated: K - English - Angst/Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 148 - Reviews: 0 - Updated: 1-16-09 - Published: 8-30-08

Coming of Age » by lil joker reviews
Fenrir has been waiting 16 years to take what is rightfully his, I hope Harry is ready for him.
Fiction Rated: T - English - Romance/General - Chapters: 6 - Words: 7,661 - Reviews: 51 - Updated: 1-16-09 - Published: 12-25-08

My World » by shadowsamurai83 reviews
My first ever fanfic. Harry wakes up to find Draco had left, but why has the blond gone? Angst, fluff, OOC, AU, MPreg.
Fiction Rated: T - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 5 - Words: 5,674 - Reviews: 11 - Updated: 1-16-09 - Published: 1-12-09

That is officially 6 out of 25 and there were 5 others I almost included.

BTW, a Death in the Family wins hands down as the worst of the lot, especially if you read it. I cannot believe it took someone 4 months to cobble together that travesty of 148 words.

- A good novel is an indivisible sum; every scene, sequence and passage of a good novel has to involve, contribute to and advance all three of its major attributes: theme, plot, characterization.
Ayn Rand - The Romantic Manifesto p. 74 (pb 93)

For Love by Snow-Redd

Ginny used to sell herself for money. Would having sex for love be any different? Written for the Love/Money challenge. HPGW
Fiction Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 305 - Reviews: 0 - Updated: 1-16-09 - Published: 1-16-09

why are some people allowed to write? Can't we have a test that people have to pass before they are allowed near a word processor?

Why are some people allowed to have children? And as for your actual question, there was a test once. It was called elementary school, but then outcome based education was embraced, chat room lingo became popular, and texting became a virus. After all that, things have just gone downhill.

-Jonathan

- A good novel is an indivisible sum; every scene, sequence and passage of a good novel has to involve, contribute to and advance all three of its major attributes: theme, plot, characterization.
Ayn Rand - The Romantic Manifesto p. 74 (pb 93)

Per the story My World. MPreg? The blond has left. Does that mean Draco is pregnant? Poor Harry. It might not be his.

In the story A death in the Family. Can you tell the difference between Pathos and Bathos? Can Molly?

Aside from the spelling, look at the word count! Woo! (I will not dare to see what those words may be.)

1. The Dursley Girl by sylviascott104
Harry Potter's only friendly relative is Dudley Dursley's furturnal twin! She looks just like Lily Evans, and hates her parents. But Rosella Dursley is much much different from her brother, outside looks. Rose is a witch.
Fiction Rated: K+ - English - Adventure/Fantasy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2 - Reviews: 0 - Updated: 1-16-09 - Published: 1-16-09

(And for the record, this thread may cause permanent brain damage. It's a little late for a warning . . .)

...and the gods' weep. :(

Wait a minute two words for a chapter? WTH!?

Fools rush in where angels dare to tread, so I looked.
It must be a failed upload because the two words are, and I quote, "Chapter one."
Thank goodness Kezzabear lent me that brain bleach the other day!

Let's be honest, so far it's better than a lot of stories out there

after you with the bleach, i fear if i read any of the 'stories' mentioned in this thread i would feel the need for several showers a day

Are furturnal twins ones created with Time Turners?

Time turners wrapped in shag carpet. And the plot has to be based on end-of-the-world re-do as everything was in ashes. Fur-T-Urnal.

Or perhaps a shag time turner wrapped around a drunk in a loo, I can't be certain.

Sounds like a FF.net glitch to me. That happened to me once but by reading the summary for that story, I question the fact if the author has a beta... Anyways, there's one story that is a classic example of why you need a beta (well at least the first few chapter anyways. After those chapter, the chapters are better). Its called "Harry Potter: Looking Through Fresh Eyes". Its a story where Voldemort died but the Death Eaters weren't defeated. Harry is more or less the only one left on the good side so he does this ritual that would send his soul back to when he was a year old. The first few chapters are loaded with spelling and grammar errors to the point it detracts from the story and is hard to read. In addition, the author has things that weren't explained properly. Here's some examples of what I mean by that:
Harry has the powers of his almost 18 year old self but that doesn't explain how Harry learned to conjure the shield he uses to protect himself from Voldemort's killing curse.
Harry willingly and knowingly allows himself to become a horcrux again but doesn't allow anyone to die for him so how is he going to be able to live when it comes time to face Voldemort for the last time? Nothing thus far shows Harry has a death wish...
Regulus Black is alive in 1981. Didn't he die in 1979 in canon? No explanation was made as to how he is still alive.
When Harry is 6 or 7, he becomes an older brother to two girls who the healer says despite one of them having blue eyes and the other green, are identical twins. Why do the two girls have different colored eyes other then to tell them apart?
Dumbledore's behavior. At one point in the story, Dumbledore, paranoid that Harry's maturity and powers are because he is tapping into Voldemort's soul fragment, recruits people to kidnap Harry and his two younger sisters. Who are those people? Are they members of the Order? Is so, why did they agree to help Dumbledore kidnap three kids?
Just what did Dumbledore due to Dudley at Petunia's request? After the kidnapping incident, Dumbledore drops Harry and his three sisters off at the Dursleys. Petunia doesn't want them in her house but Dumbledore forces her saying he'll undo what he did to Dudley. What ever it was, it got Petunia to do what Dumbledore demanded.
James, Lily, Sirius, Remus, and Regulus find it odd that Harry finds it easy to do spells but doesn't find it odd that he knows more then a child his age should know? If he goes to school or if he is being home schooled, wouldn't they also notice he is at the same level as someone who is in their mid to late teens?
Dumbledore proved to Harry he can be bad after the kidnapping incident but just why does Harry go to trusting him so easily?
Not a plot nitpick but the author decided to name one of Harry's sisters after herself...

There is one other story I would like to mention but I don't think I should dignify it by saying the title or who wrote it let alone post a link to it because the author just can't take constructive criticism. Plot wise, the story is good but the author has bad grammar and rights everything in present tense which makes everything sound so awkward... If you give a review that mentions that or even volunteer to be a beta, what does she do? She deletes it and prevents you from posting anymore reviews for her stories. Its like she only wants good reviews for her story. All the reviews for the story are all positive ones! The bad ones are deleted as soon as she reads them.

I think this author may have surprised him/herself:

"Voldemort has regained his 'cute' body. He has started to lust after Snape, and it actually has a bit of a plot"

If that isn't a warning not to read anything from that author, I don't know what is...

Just out of curiosity, what's the title of the story so we can avoid it?

Its Sunday evening and I'm reading a less than taxing fic on FF.net A few things made me laugh but this is the best so far...

"Harry was sitting at one of the round tables with George, Katie Bell, Oliver Wood, Angelina Johnson, and Alicia Spitnit."

Seriously. It's a written medium. How do people not know the character's names?

Objectively speaking, because they're morons.

"Ginny Harpies tryouts did not turn out the way she had planned."

I didn't know her last name was Harpies.

Hopefully, they're all too lazy to reproduce, too.

Well, to be fair that one's a typo leaving off the s. I doubt they meant to call her Ginny Harpie ... you should know Alicia's name is Spinnet however ... no excuses. (Crap, I hope I spelt it right :P )

Oh, sure, I know it's a typo. I simply found it amusing. Maybe the Harpies belong to her?

I suppose the underlying point is that if people can't even get the story summary remotely correct, what hope do they have of actually looking up the spelling of a word as simple as "Lucius" ... I see that "Luscious" so often I want to maim. Nevermind the irony of the mistake.

Would that be systemic laziness, or endemic brain damage?

Perhaps someone else is a Sluggy fan? :-)

This one had me running away screaming.....so I stopped reading it. It doesn't just have 15 chapters in one page, but the author used the name Hermoine. And no, it wasn't just a one-time typo. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2053851/1/Unlikely_Alliances here it is, Unlikely Alliances by redfrog . And it's supposed to be an Independent!Harry fic...*facepalm* The author sure as hell isn't independent as you can see by looking at his/her writing, so how is (s)he supposed to write about someone who is?
------------------------------------------------------
"Night falls and I'm running in circles (Whoa-oh-oh)
I'm being chased by my imagination (Whoa-oh-oh)"
Alesana - The Thespian

You need to find a story where even the author is aware it's fecal material.

Harry Potter and the Demon Auror » by wallflower-chan reviews
I can't believe I wrote this piece of crap. Whoever's favorites you found this under can and should be considered a moron.
Inuyasha - Rated: T - English - Drama/Adventure - Chapters: 17 - Words: 87,706 - Reviews: 601 - Updated: 1-25-06 - Published: 12-28-04

Sounds like something I would say about a certain piece of Star Trek fan fiction I wrote that I refuse to post on fanfiction.net...

The worst summary has to be:

I suck at summaries

I did I search on FFnet for "I suck at" (Since it was guaranteed that most people wouldn't be able to spell summaries correctly) and about 1,500 popped up, here's a few:

The Marauders and a book » by LillianxBrittany
i suck at summaries

Harry the werewolf » by My-Pen-Name-Rocks
i suck at summeries!

Save The Last Dance » by Hermione M. Granger
I suck at summaries so read and find out!

Just Like Daddy by LilMissErotic
I suck at summeries. This is my first fic

HP meets Daria by BmS TenniS03
I dunno..i suck @ summaries..

I Have To Know by LoopyLunnyLunaLovegoods wife
I suck at summareys but Hermione/Fred ship

The Mind of Lily » by Lucky-719
READ IT, and you tell me a summary! I SUCK AT SUMMARIES!

Surprises » by Depressed08
mmk- i suck at summaries...well, there a few

Distant Feelings » by blackfariygurl
First ff... r&r plz... I suck with summarys!