MetaFic

Since I don't have the time to develop it, nor was anyone looking for bad plot ideas, here's the light sketch I put together for an entry to the SIYE challenge. It's free for picking over or wholesale lifting, should it strike your creativity in just the right way . . .

The Triumphant Trio Vs Mary And Sue

Setting: Post-Voldemort era

Ron and Harry, during the summer after Year 7, are playing in exhibition Quidditch games in the professional league for the Chudley Cannons. They are an unstoppable duo, and the completely inept remainder of the team, plus lack of any team coach or staff, has been no problem. The Chudley Cannons use Inferi with the logo “C.H.U.D.” on their chests for cheerleaders, though each C.H.U.D. periodically lights off a cannon they individually carry around. Anyway, Harry and Ron have led the Cannons to the top of the pre-season charts.

All profits are being donated to a Wizarding Orphanage, since there's usually one orphan every 100 years (1:100) according to Hermione's book analysis, and that kid needs a palace and huge staff someplace to live and cater to every whim. The Cannons have the current orphan of Magical Britain, age 5, on their team. They run all their playbook entries by him to make sure he can't find any flaws before they try to use them. (Rule #12 of Evil Overlord's list.)

Harry inherited all of AD's, Sirius', and his parents money, totalling 987B galleons, but was also given a reward for Offing Old Snakey Face in the tune of a further 13B galleons, making him the second-richest human in the world with a 1T galleon value. The richest, at 1.7T, is Bill Gates, a cast-out squib who was unable to do an honest day's work and thus had to find a job in the Muggle world where stealing and intimidating was acceptable. Harry has offered to build an orphanage, but the portrait of Dumbledore persuaded him that status quo was the right way to go, and it would mean more if Harry earned the orphanage through "hard work" and such. So Harry still lives in a relatively run-down #12 Grimmauld, despite his fabulous wealthy, and forgets about the money when everyday problems arise like how to pay for a dinner.

A challenge comes in from the Vatican Canons, who are canonical orthodox catholic priests (all male team) only, with their share of proceeds from the match to build a wizarding orphanage in the Vatican (see earlier comment, but now 1:2000 years). Each priest sports a goatee, which Harry speculates he might try to grow. Ginny threatens him profusely that he'll be “cut off” should he try (Evil Overlord #35). The Vatican Canons have a group of nuns for cheerleaders, including Mary and Sue. During the playing of the exhibition game (loaded pun, the nuns flash their chests which have crosses on them covering anything interesting) against the Chudley Cannons, it becomes clear that Mary and Sue are veela, and affecting Ron and Harry profoundly. Ron mutters, “No! This cannot be! I am invincible!” to which Harry smacks him around some for lack of common sense. (Evil Overlord list #24)

Herms and Ginny employ the aid of Sue-Mary Stew, their best friend forever from America that spent a few years in New Zealand before moving to Japan to train martial arts with the recluse master of all forms (cute and single) Josh Mo Shpit, after which she moved to the UK in the Quintessential Quad's 7th year at Hoggy. Sue-Mary Stew is an orphan, plays guitar, sings pop lyrics from songs written in 2008, carries an iPod nano and an iPhone, both of which work perfectly around all that magic. Shortly after arrival, she set up and ran a “Cosmetic Squad” make-over program like Dumbledore's Army, held in the evenings in the RoR, that every girl attends. Pictures of the “best boys” in the school, meaning Harry and Ron, adorn every surface during the “how to be a woman” sessions.

Sue-Mary Stew learned on a study-abroad trip to Luxembourg that an ancient form of magic was practiced there that can “bond” two people totally in love with each other, and enabling them to become One in their minds. But it's only possibly with the aid of a kneazle. It turns out her great grandmother was a transfigured Kneazle during an expedition gone awry to the North Pole, and her great grandfather needed something bigger to help keep warm at night. Her grandmother was the unintended consequence of that tom-foolery. Anyway, since she has rare kneazle-like abilities to sense emotional states, they do this bonding ritual hastily during a time-out call between Herms/Ron and Ginny/Harry. Each couple becomes One.

As play resumes, the boys have an acidic commentary running in their head, distracting them from the veela charms and bared cross-laden chests. It enables them to pull out a win at the end, and everyone goes home to celebrate their newfound respect for international diversity.

Professional sports-caster Dave S Ovran is commentator of the game, though he keeps talking excessively about the bra size, color, and texture of each female player or cheerleader, agonizing over whether it was the right piece of equipment. It becomes increasingly clear he has no interest in the sport, or sports in general, while he depicts table after table of accessory items and cross-references them to hair color, shoe size, and the bra-like nature of the Canon's cheerleaders.

sub-theme: “cannon” vs “canon”

sub-theme: bonds for One everywhere

sub-theme: scenes of Herms/Ginny/Sue-Mary becoming BFF's will involve excessive use of “flashback!” and italics.

sub-theme: Dave going on for paragraphs about bra color, texture, and do's / don'ts

sub-theme: Josh torturing people while singing, "There's nothing like the smell of napalm in the morning" to the same tune of "It's a small world after all"

sub-theme: Harry having massive wealth and just thinks about the cool chocolate frogs he can buy now, rather than things like his own army to support his latent dark lord tendencies